I am a person who has devoted her adult life to the Feminine Principle & the rise of women – for the good of all.
And…
I have a confession: The archetype of the Mother is foreign to me. I deeply appreciate and honor it in others (especially Mama Earth), but have never really had an easy time embodying it myself. I get a lot of understanding and feelings of awe from contemplating Motherhood, yet when I try it on for myself, it always has an unnatural, not-quite-right fit.
When asked to define my life phase in terms of Maiden, Mother, Crone Trine – I always feel bewildered – like, “Can I get some more options, please?!?”
So, it may not surprise you to learn that I have chosen not to have children.
For some of my sisters, even the most well meaning, this is confusing. I’ve heard countless variations on, “But Chris, it would be a shame for you of all people to miss out on the ultimate act of womanly creation.”
This sentiment has grown tiresome.
Why, I’ve asked myself, is this so troubling to me?
Well on one hand, receiving any form of unsolicited advice activates the Wild Woman rebel in me. (I can’t help myself).
But at a more fundamental level: Because it proposes a narrow definition of the Feminine, along with the idea that one possible life path (Motherhood) is more “womanly” than another.
This line of thinking causes so much internal friction for me that I am taking deep and steady breaths as I write this so as not to become irate.
Those who where at
Wild Woman Fest ‘16, when our theme was Faces of the Feminine, may remember me saying:
Don’t put the Feminine in a box. We explored Archetype after Archetype, dimension after dimension of our life as women – never landing on a finite definition of the Feminine, but rather leaving with an understanding of the expansive possibilities available to us.
Unfortunately, this “motherhood is the primary experience of the feminine” line of thinking does just that: it puts the Feminine & Womanhood in a box.
To equate one, albeit miraculous, function of the female body (the whole creative process of Motherhood) as something one must do in order to really “get” Womanhood is actually a deeply flawed line of thinking.
But wait. Let’s back up a bit.
I want to share with you a related vision I had at the age of 22. This was before I started getting serious with my studying or Yoga & the Divine Feminine, when my main relationship to Womanhood was through Feminism.
Something started happening to me at that time (age 22-23). I had a huge spiritual growth spurt that came on strong and ended up changing my whole life.
This initiation was accelerated by a vision I had of a Goddess with many arms and an instrument I did not recognize. She appeared with a gentle, yet powerfully radiant presence, and seemed to be beckoning me, calling me over. I was entranced.
But who was she?
I went to a spiritual book shop soon after. As I was walking down the isles my heart jumped as I saw her again!
This time on a postcard featuring a beautiful flowing river beside her. I flipped over card, and read her name: Saraswati.
I began to learn everything I could about her. Within the Hindu Pantheon she is considered the Goddess of knowledge, music, arts, wisdom, and learning. She is also childless.
I remember feeling heartened to know that there was a Goddess who inspired artists of all kind and wisdom seekers. She was my kind of Goddess! It wasn’t until much later that I realized one of the big teachings I received from connecting with her was this: you can be a Goddess with no connection to Motherhood at all. (Big sigh of relief.)
Over the years that followed, I’ve learned over and over from the women I love and serve that just as there are no two life paths that are exactly alike, there is no path of Womanhood or the Feminine that is exactly like another. There is no single or better entry point either.
I wanted to write to make this clear this Moon Cycle, with our Menstruation-centered theme: Reclaiming Our Blood.
You don’t have to bleed to be a woman, or to tap into your feminine creative superpowers.
Hello trans sisters.
Hello sisters who have had a hysterectomy.
Hello sisters in perimenopause & menopause.
Hello little sisters who are not yet your bleeding years.
Hello to anyone else who identifies strongly as a woman & does not bleed – for any reason under the sun.
The experience of bleeding can be a profound terrain of pragmatic learning & mystical connection for those who bleed.
And for those who don’t, there are infinite other entry points, inside and out, that can lead you toward the Feminine and your truest personal embodiment of Womanhood.
Just as I don’t personally utilize the Mother Archetype in my path, you may may not utilize Menstruation. You may contemplate it, you may challenge negative cultural beliefs around it, you may study it the way you might study something else in nature – to seek understanding & inspiration. Or not.
So, wherever you are on your path of the Wild Woman, I whisper this in your ear: Go wherever your inner guidance takes you, explore sincerely & seek your unique expression of the Feminine and Womanhood.
And to you, dear community: Let us celebrate the choices and experiences of our sisters, even if they are not OUR choices or experiences.
And for all of humanity, I shout this from the mountain tops:
Don’t put the Feminine or Womanhood in a Box!
Thanks for listening. Xo
NOW, YOUR TURN:
Have you ever struggled to connect with some aspect of the Feminine or Womanhood that didn’t quite fit for you? What was it? And did grappling with it inspire growth or understanding of any kind? We would love to hear your experiences in the comments below!
Dear Chris, thank you so much for this thoughtful and loving message.
I am a mother of three children who were all born by c-section. I was informed repeatedly as a young mother that because I had not delivered my babies vaginally, I had not experienced “real” womanhood or motherhood, and as a young woman, I sadly bought into that misconception. Then in my early 40s I had a hysterectomy which stopped my blood cycle more than a decade before it naturally would have stopped. Again, I was informed that I was missing out on a more authentic female experience (and was also told I would get “fat”!) I’ve battled with embracing my femininity my whole life, in part due to my mother’s inability to embrace hers and subsequently nurture mine, as well as the unhelpful passing along of anti-feminist thinking forced upon me as a young, impressionable woman. Now I am 54 and am presumably experiencing my “change,” but without a well defined monthly blood cycle to gauge it, I really can only guess (based on age and hot flashes!) Honoring the sacred femininity that I embody has always felt like an uphill battle for me with ample obstacles placed before me by sisters/mothers who were also lacking in their own understanding of their goddess status. With your message this morning I feel inspired and supported by the idea that my femaleness is inherent to my being, in spite of, and in fact maybe even because of my unique and particular journey through womanhood to the place I am today. Not only do my experiences not diminish my feminine spirit, but I believe my journey defines womanhood in its essence as I am a woman and those are my experiences. Thank you so much for empowering me to embrace my soul in all its beauty, sans the flawed mythology which sadly has been a legacy of the ages. You are truly a breath of fresh and beautiful air.
Blessings and light,
Beth
Dear Beth,
Thank you so much for sharing your process and experiences with us. Your sharing really warmed my heart – I feel you.
“Not only do my experiences not diminish my feminine spirit, but I believe my journey defines womanhood in its essence as I am a woman and those are my experiences.” yes, yes, yes, Beth.
Much Love,
C
Chris, thank you for sharing your personal experience in this beautiful writing. It resonates deeply with me and I am very moved reading your words. I agree STRONGLY with what you say about not limiting our ideas of what is feminine, woman, wild. To me, true wildness is when a woman or any person chooses to follow what THEIR OWN heart tells them is right, regardless of labels or pre existing definitions, regardless of what other people are doing or not doing, believing or not believing. Your article inspires me to add something in a sinilar vein that I find missing sometimes from conversations about feminism. this expansive view, large enough to hold all sisters, needs to hold true for women who follow paths that are more “traditional”-becoming stay at home mothers, etc. A woman following her own heart and inner guidance regardless of the grain-to me that is true feminism and wildness.
Dear M,
Thank you so much for writing. I am with you in your definition of wildness, for sure!
In love and solidarity,
C
YAAAAASSSSSSSSS Chris! YAAASSSS! Big heart taps. Big breaths. Yes to all of it. And thank you.
Dear Kelly,
So glad you are feeling this. Your question from last week, along with another, inspired me to write this. So thank YOU!
Heart taps,
C
YYESSSSS!!!!
WILDLY BRILLIANT, Chris!!
So sooo grateFUL you shared ALL of this!!
My Out Of The Box Wild Woman is HOOOOWWWLLLING from the Mountain tops!!
Let it be so, and so it is!!
~ Amy Witmyer
Awesome, Amy!
Thank you so much for writing!
HOWLs and love,
C
i say yes to all this because i hate being put in any box! what is coming up for me is that even though i chose to be a mother that i am so much more than that. once i became a mother people put me in a box and starting to judge if i stepped out of it. i love my child and i love being a mother but my life does not revolve around my child. there was so much guilt in the beginning because i wanted to do more and be more and there was so much societal pressure to succumb to being the soccer mom. and let me be clear….there is nothing wrong with having your child be the center of your universe if that is what YOU want but there is also nothing wrong with them not being the center either. thanks for sharing your journey…..it is always good to have people getting out of the box and standing on top of it and shouting!!! YAWP!
Dear Colleen,
Thank you so much for expressing this important perspective, as a mother, yourself.
Yes! May we keep busting out of boxes & through the expectations of others!
Thank you thank you,
C
I feel you on this one. I struggled with finding and keeping an identity after motherhood. It’s all I wanted and then it was all I was. The journey out of the box has been real I’ll say that lol.
It’s good for our children and the world to see the whole woman, owning her whole power
I’m feeling very connected to this and being boxed in because I am a mother. I struggled digesting giving birth to my FOURTH child. I felt like I had not chosen that life and as someone who had her first child straight out of highschool, I felt like my outer story didn’t represent what I felt inside. I felt a death inside me of some freedom that seemed so close to my soul. It was a deep journey and with the birth of my son came a birth of a new me. I now am set on not sacrificing the person I am “here to be” just because I have children. I hear SO many opinions. I get so much shit for not pasting my children all over social media and dedicating my life to their extracurricular activities and school functions and for travelling ALONE sometimes….but I LOVE them deeply and that’s for us to know. The story inside my house is what counts, the story inside my children’s hearts, of a mom who loved them AND did what she loved…I’m excited about that! Thank you for letting your healing stories bring out my own <3
Mm, the Feminine. What does it mean? How do I know where one part of it begins and another ends within myself? When have I felt stymied in my expression of Femininity and Womanhood?
It’s quite a pervasive experience, really. I am cis-gender female, my physique reflects that. Yet, internally I identify with and honor both my Masculine and Feminine. If anything, throughout my life, I’ve identified more so with the Masculine energy of fire, logic and getting stuff done. It’s been in recent years that I’ve received the Feminine medicine of softening, the spiritual strength of receptivity. Now, it’s my life’s passion to help usher the Divine Feminine back into our collective consciousness. Through power-sharing, horizontal and circular space, ritual and relationship with Spirit.
I thank the sisters before me who carried the waves of feminism into our culture. A limitation I’ve found myself freeing my consciousness from is that of the second wave – which, in my view, empowered women to be in touch with their Masculinity and showed that women can hack it in a “man’s world,” play that game. Unfortunately I’ve felt that this has been partially paired with the dismissal and devaluation of Femininity – a sense of shame around wanting to cook and care for others, wanting to talk and be expressive without an agenda. I’m reminded time and time again by our society that the Feminine is less valued, in economic terms; care-based work receives less money, mothers don’t get paid. This ripples through our consciousness and leaves a lasting mark.
What does this mean for the Divine Feminine? What does this mean for my Divine Feminine? What does this mean for me as someone who wants to actively participate in the world? I don’t have the answers yet but do have an embodied knowing that I trust will guide me along the way. To help free me from the externally imposed limitations, to find space where I’m seen and supported, and to find collaborators and opportunity for Divine union.
Thank you for the space and opportunity to express<3 Blessings to us all on all of our journeys.
Dear Liz,
I really feel you here. I really resonate with the arch of your journey. Thanks for bringing voice to it.
Much much love,
C
👏👏👏👐👐👐♥️♥️♥️
Love you, Chris. Thank you for this.
Love you, Jor! You are so so welcome. Glad you read it and wrote here. xo
Thank you, Chris! For your honesty AND your insight!
I was raised Italian-Roman Catholic just as my mother was before me and the amount in which the WHOLE nature of the feminine was stifled and only the Mother archetype was given glory really did something to me growing up. As I awakened spiritually, still engulfed in the catholic lifestyle (I went to catholic school until I graduated) I had this resentment for the idea that women were meant to be superficially pretty in order to find someone, get married and have children— some expected to work while also raising their family. Motherhood felt unfair to me.
As I got older, it was actually around the age of 22/23 that I visited a famous medium after my soul friend had died. The first thing she said to me is “are you pregnant?!” And when I told her no, I hadn’t bled for a couple years due to birth control (another way I acted out my resentment for the feminine) she said to me
“Ah, so you must be pregnant with ideas. You’ve found a life-Long Project for yourself. Your energy reads like you’re pregnant.”
That became my first real understanding of the “The Mother Archetype”. I really liked the idea of being pregnant with ideas and goals and it truly did offer me a sort of grace and fullness that I had never experienced before and gave me a different understanding of what Motherhood could mean!
I eventually got off birth control in search of “the full cycle experience” and honestly didn’t think I would be able to have children and it was okay, I resolved myself to being a spiritual mother for those who needed it…. and now, I’m unexpectedly prego! And I just see it as part of my journey— whatever happens. I know it’s not for everyone and I didn’t even think it was for me.. but here I am.
To all women, wherever they are on their journey, whatever they desire for themselves— I honor you.
HOWLLLLLLLLL
Dear Adrianna,
Big Howls of congratulations on this new leg of your journey! I love hearing about your early experiences too! Thanks so much for sharing.
Much Love,
Chris
This really strikes a chord with me. Although I have 4 children and loved being pregnant and giving birth, I don’t feel it makes me any more feminine. I am a caring mother but don’t consider myself to be a nurturer – I look forward to each marker of independence as they grow up. Like Liz, I think and act more like a male stereotype than a female. The notion of being ‘soft’, ‘receptive’ etc is quite alien to me. I never particularly enjoyed menstruating and was quite relieved to have a hysterectomy – wish I’d done it sooner! My working life has tended to be either in the masculine sphere or quite solitary. I’ve never had, or wanted, lots of female friends. Yet I know I’m a heterosexual woman. Jean Bolen’s concept of the Artemis archetype describes perfectly how I feel in my skin.
Dear Jackie,
I loved how you evoked Artemis here! I almost evoked her too! Though I have never read Dr. Bolen’s take on her. I can’t wait to look it up.
Sending lots of love,
C
Such a beautiful post! Thank you for your sincere reflections and broadening views of the feminine. I’m currently at the point in my life where I thought I would want to have children, but am not feeling that strong desire. I started to question whether I want children at all. Since it is what I always thought I would want in life, it isn scary to even question whether I do or ever will. Thank you for reminding me to listen to my deep inner guidance and showing me that there are other paths.
Dear Bethany,
I am so happy to hear this post is inspiring you in your contemplation of the possibility motherhood and the many alternate paths.
Wishing you clarity as you explore this.
Thank you so much for writing.
xoC
I hear this SO LOUD. And you know I am with you! There are many ways to mother something or someone and never does that mean something has to come from your womb. I am amazed on a daily basis by what mothering can look like in early education setting, and how I lovingly take on that role, and lovingly take it off to give those babes back to their mothers. It’s a practice that has shown me that there isn’t a reason for me to be a biological mother, if I am happiest in this space.
Loving you so.
Loving you, Danielle!
I love hearing your early education stories ~ Thank you so much for sharing.
Love,
Chris
Although, I have experienced the path of motherhood in the physical, I have also learned that the path of motherhood extends to more than the actual birthing of children. The path of motherhood can take on so many other forms including the birthing of an idea, a cause, or a project. The creative and nurturing energy that goes into the care of babies can also be applied to the energetic birthing and rearing of a business, cause, or creative venture; which always starts out so fragile, and is highly dependent on the founding “mother” of its creation until it is strong enough to support itself and ultimately allowing its “mother” to step out and run on its own. There are so many energetic parallels to the experience of motherhood in the symbolic sense that it need not be limited to the literal birthing of children. Thank you so much for everything you have done, Chris, to be the “mother” of the Wild Woman Project. Through your “baby,” so many women have come home to themselves and have blossomed under the love you share each and every moon cycle. With all my love…Suzette
Thanks for the reflections, Suzette.
much much love,
Chris
Thank you Chris for speaking your truth…you embody the divine feminine…and express her in many forms. Maha Saraswati~ Beautiful…and like the sitar she plays….you vibrate love…truth…and strength… reaching all of us. Rise of the Wild Woman. And so it is! Aho sister~
Thank you so much for sharing your kind reflection here, Mihndi! Received and felt:)
BIG love,
C
Oh Chris!!! Thank you so much for breaking down the boxes and shedding light on all aspects of womanhood! I’ve never felt more beautifully feminine than I do right now.
I myself have NEVER desired children, since my teenage years I knew motherhood wasn’t for me. That archetype was also very foreign to me, and the reactions when I tell people I don’t want children are to be expected… I’ve been told i’m broken, have yet to meet the right guy, will change my mind when i’m older, will be alone when i’m old, or just been starred at with incredulous pity. I’ve been given the unsolicited primordial lecture more times than I can count. And yet, it’s never changed my mind on wanting children. I know myself well enough to know the devotion simply isn’t there. I don’t get mad, I just get confused. Am I such an anomaly of woman out there, so assured that I don’t want kids that 95% of the population thinks there is something wrong with me ?
“To equate one, albeit miraculous, function of the female body (the whole creative process of Motherhood) as something one must do in order to really “get” Womanhood is actually a deeply flawed line of thinking.” ~ This really hit home for me.
So again, thank you for all your divine feminine wisdom and sharing what womanhood really means!! Much love, Wild Sister.
Dear Michelle,
Thanks so much for writing & sharing in solidarity. Those of us not called to motherhood are not alone.
We are so blessed to be alive now and actually have the choice to be a mother or not. I think anything we can do to be speaking out when we encounter the “unsolicited primordial lecture” the better. Over time, maybe people will stop giving it!
Sending lots of love,
C
Love that you are speaking to non-conformity. I love that you are speaking to projections from others and judgment’s unwarranted.
I truly believe motherhood is a contract with another soul. And there are so many ways to have contracts with souls(other than motherhood). I personally speak to the MY grief around HAVING a child. The loss of my maiden body, my identity, and the hardest… my freedom.
I have been asked to move to LA and be a rock star’s stylist. I still have a shaman in Peru asking me to partner up and travel the world with him for the last two years. These simply can’t be done with shared parenting. I have cried many tears.
Chris, I would like to share my experience in you healing a mother wound for me. Last Fest, I witnessed you walking your mother to her cabin mindfully, tenderly, and with care. I had been struggling with my own mother’s abandonment and had a need to have my mother support and care for me. It seemed to be almost an unconscious desire that no amount of therapy could heal.
When I saw you holding such space ( a mothering attribute ) for your mother while walking and chatting, my dna was changed. It occurred to me my mom (now 60), is tired and our energetic turn of Mother/Maiden was done. It was time for me to support her in gratitude for her soul contract with me. Something changed in me that day in August. You literally embody the blend of all that there is to be woman. The curiosity of a child, the nurturing of the mother, and the wisdom of the crone. Yes, I agree there is more.. much more…
Thank you for sharing. I can identify with those feelings of having lost freedom and identity. That is certainly not an “ok” way to feel(or say you feel) in my family of origin.
So it helps to see someone give life to those feelings.
Dear Dawn,
Thank you so much for bringing voice to your experiences as a mother yourself. I know you are not alone in your experience of grief about the loss of freedom. I really appreciate your honesty about that. I feel you.
And thank you so much for sharing about the experience you had at FEST in that moment of witnessing my mother and I. How powerful & meaningful. Thank you, thank you.
Sending lots of love your way.
Love,
C
I really want to have the experience of being a mom…of carrying life…of giving birth…of watching growth…of guiding and coaching and nurturing and teaching and learning. Since I was a teenager, I’ve always felt so attuned to the nurturing, soft, receptive, fertile version of me and being a mom is something I’ve almost always felt like I was meant for. I’m sad, and scared that it may not happen for me in this life; I’ve spent so much of my 20’s alone, and am single reaching my 30th year next spring. I’m also scared because what if I think I want to be a mother and then later find out that I’m wrong – because how can I really actually know if I want something I’ve never experienced? I catch myself thinking of all the scary variables of both sides of this dichotomy and it’s interesting for me to sit back for a second and really challenge the constructs I see my life with. How much of this was programming? How much of this are subconscious (or sometimes blatant) messages told to me about what would make me more satisfied or happy than I already am? It’s a wonderful opportunity to be able to explore this topic with myself and collectively with all of you.
What I do know is that I so very deeply support the idea of breaking down boxes and molds. I have a few traditional boxes about what a woman “should” be or look like that I do not accept for me too, and what I want for each of us is to embrace and own our individual authenticity – whatever that may look like – because when Chris is courageous and okay with her own process of owning her not wanting to birth children or Dawn of the new era is courageous and okay with her grief around having children or Suzette is courageous and okay with her being a mother in physical form and being a mother of other pursuits, it helps me to be courageous with my own path – even if that means having children and loving it, or not having kids and hating it, or not having kids and loving it, or having kids and hating it. It all gets to be okay for me and that brings me a lot of comfort.
Dear Emily,
Thank you so much for sharing some of your process with us. I love the way you have articulated your inner working here.
And I agree, the more we hear one another’s stories, the more we are liberated from the confinement of narrow definitions of womanhood. With you, with you.
Much Love,
C
You are such a light, sweet Em. I feel so blessed to have co-created circle with you these past couple of years. You have been there with me since I graduated circle leader training, and I have witnessed your radiant blossoming into such a gifted writer and author. I love you so much, sweet sister. Your blossoming has brought so much joy to my life. We have both grown tremendously with every moon cycle. We have both evolved, and we continue to evolve together. May the Universe bless you with all the sweetness your heart desires, sweet sister. With all of my love, heart, and soul. XOXOXO
Love,
Suzette
<3 <3 <3 Much love and gratitude to you, Suzette. I am so grateful to have the privilege of growing and learning with you and all of our sisters. AOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!
My heart was touched when I read the positive comments posted by women who had read your weekly post concerning motherhood and and how womanhood is defined. I particularly loved the comment that said you literally embody the blend of all that there is to be a woman. I love you, Grambo, your very proud grandmother.
Awww…thanks for writing here & filling my heart. Love you, Grambo!
xo
There was a long period of my twenties where I thought that all of the mothering had been sucked out of me by life. My traumatic romantic relationship and my mother’s illness had taken such a toll on my emotional reserves that I was disgusted by the idea of taking care of even a fish. I balked at the idea of any type of obligation, and entered a period of my life where I had to be so protective of my energy that my boundaries were like a fortress.
I have healed from much of this, and come to a space between – I’m free of the programming that had me assuming in my early life that I would bear my own children. And yet now I am nourished in self care, and I have a lot to offer – I adore my new kitten and take great joy in caring for him and my houseplants, I yearn for a farm and garden to tend, some goats to befriend and milk. I want to craft a cozy homestead. And someday, maybe, if it feels completely right, I will choose to bear my own children. But I know that unless I am completely sure that I will have no regrets, I will choose a child-free life, to love and care for myself and my passions, my partner and the children of those around me who I love. As someone mentioned earlier, it does feel like a contract between two souls, and I would enter into such a commitment with only complete willingness to serve with great joy.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences – we are all here together, in love and support. And thank you, Chris, for being mother and creator to the WWP, this source of wisdom and compassion and learning for us all <3
Dear Lindsay,
Thank you so much for sharing your process with us. It is such a joy to read your articulation of the inquiry. I feel you.
Thanks also for you kind words.
Big hug,
C
Wow! So profound and Deep. I am an Indian, following your emails closely. I truly agree with your thought. Goddess Saraswathi, who embodies the wisdom of all Goddess..she is worshipped in begining of all proceedings. Almighty, created Women for betterment and progressing of all that which is surrounding her..Women, not only being mother to her own but as well she mothers to all around her.
Thankyou for sharing such a thoughtful and soulful thought with world around you.
Seemakarkal. Bangalore, India
Dear Seemakarkal,
Thank you so much for sharing more about Saraswati, who is cherished in your culture! I love your articulation here!
Sending lots of love to India!
Love,
Chris
Oh yes, thank you so much for this. Being a childfree woman, I have been told many times that I can’t understand true love until I’ve held my own child. And that is just such an unfair statement. Do I understand that kind of love? No. But there are so many other types of love in one’s life, just as there are so many other ways to mother. To equate “love” with the one particular experience of holding a child born by your body invalidates all the other experiences of love in a woman’s life.
Well said, Sally!
Thank you so much for sharing your valuable perspective on this!
Much Love,
Chris
The reason why I appreciate our sisterhood so much is because we all hold something within outselves that is similar or something relative to each other. Chris, thank you for sharing! I also, have decided against my own motherhood. And now I’m not alone! HHHHOOOOOWWWWLLLL!
Awesome reflection, Kelli! Yes, we are not alone.
(Big hug)
and HOWLLSSS
LOVE<
C