I dreamt about them again last night.
…my two cats running around in a house I’ve never seen – with more stories than I can count. Me, tracing their steps, worried they are in danger, up and up the stairs we go. Finding them and then losing them again…
I wake up in tears.
Disoriented, feeling somehow between worlds, I walk out to my front yard to find a circle of stones. Each one placed on purpose, with a prayer.
This is the place where nearly 2 years ago, I laid both of their still-warm bodies into the Earth.
It was here, where the crunching sound of the shovel breaking up the dirt pounded over and over again. Right here, where, on my knees, hands covered in soil, I cried out from such a raw place inside – the sound of my own voice actually frightened me.
It is here, their bones rest.
On this morning, so many seasons later, I sit, misty, and wonder.
I wonder, as I’ve wondered a hundred times since they left, where are you? are you okay there? are you “you” at all?
And I wish, as I’ve wished a thousand times before, that I could let them know how I promise to never forget the years we spent loving each other so & how I miss them every single day.
In the quiet light of the morning, I imagine I can send two bright beams of love into the great mystery. I imagine, I hope, that wherever they are, whatever form they are in, they feel it.
I wander back into the house, climb up the stairs, and crawl into bed where my beloved is still sleeping. Curling into his warmth, I remember the finite nature of the time we have together.
On this morning, with echos of grief in my heart, I take not one single breath for granted.
~~~
I haven’t written about the death of my cats, Ramona & Otis, since it happened. And that is big because the primary way I make sense of my inner life is through writing.
But this one hurt so much. And so, I’ve held in this grief, and my announcement of my cats passing because it felt too tender to touch. I’ve been scared to face it, to firm the reality of their deaths with the written word.
They passed so quickly, it seemed, too young, and back to back within 6 week of one another.
Call me a crazy cat lady, but for the first year my little companions were gone, I ached constantly & thought for a while the loss may have broken me in some irreparable way.
Maybe you know what a mean?
Maybe you too have lost dear ones from this world?
Maybe you have been brought to your knees by a ‘goodbye’?
Death comes into our lives in so many forms.
It’s mind-blowing to think:
Before we die, we will bear witness to the deaths of many of the people we love best.
We will lose our fury companions and our youthful skin.
We will say goodbye to friends & phases, and lay long-held dreams to rest.
Many of us will experience the death of a long-term relationship or marriage.
We will see the ends of things that we have created & invested our hearts into.
In talking to dear friends who have suffered unimaginable loss, it is clear grief seems to be the underside of the love experience in life. Maybe the more fully we love that precious thing, the deeper the grief will run when, inevitably, we must let it go.
Each Moon Cycle, as we explore our themes together, I do my very best to dive as deeply into the explorations as possible. This “In My Bones” Cycle, I’ve asked sincerely for my bones to speak, and sincerely, I have listened.
Blame it on Winter, blame it on the mystery of dreams, my untended mourning, and certainly – my bones, but this cycle I have become hyper-aware of the fact that all things will eventually perish, and one day, not so very far from now, I will have to say goodbye to this beautiful world and all the beings in it.
Western culture is notorious for being death-phobic & youth obsessed. We shy away from talking about endings, we try to cover up signs of age, and sometimes go to great lengths to outrun goodbyes. We try and hide our grief, so as not to burden anyone, so as not to reveal our shattered selves.
And yet, death is knocking at our door – constantly.
Alongside our personal losses and endings, there are collective deaths happening here and now. Whether we are talking about it or not, really facing it or not, we are all experiencing profound loss – endings of epic proportions.
Day by day, we bear witness to the growing ecological crisis – which wipes out whole species of plants and animals. We have the ability to witness, from the comfort of our homes, the brutal deaths of beautiful strangers. Year by year, we lose more and more of our rights as citizens. And on and on…
The way we live our lives, the way we inhabit our world, is changing at a rapid pace. The ground is moving under our feet, and it feels difficult to keep up.
It’s a lot to process, to bear, to hold.
I bring this topic to your doorstep today because this cycle is teaching me about the importance of befriending that very last leg of life: death.
In my bones I know it is time to turn towards deaths, big and small, personal and transpersonal, and feel them fully. And to do that out loud, like I am here with you today. And to welcome others to do the same. There are so many tools that can help: grief rituals, meditation, creative expression, therapy, sacred spaces of all sort, the container of spiritual friendship, plant medicine, and on and on. We must unlearn the tendency to run & learn how to be with grief.
There is no hiding from what is happening, we can’t outrun this & I really don’t think we should.
Even as the carnage of the world we once knew lay baking in the Sun, it is clear a new day is dawning, which holds so much promise.
But please beware, my optimistic family of light-workers, beware of the very human tendency to take shortcuts. Here on the Earth plane, there is no skipping steps. We cannot hop over the grief of death, unscathed, and enter a Utopian reality with a snap of the fingers, or with magical thinking alone.
We will not be able to create the world of our dreams until we find a way to feel, honor, and process these deaths.
I know we can do it & I am in.
I am filled with faith in the resilient nature of the heart, and our abundant creative capacities. I know we have everything we need to heal ourselves and the world. Right now, living all over the world, there are brilliant, loving people with diverse skill sets rolling their sleeves up & ready to do what is best for the greater good.
My bones tell me: in order to know the next right steps, we must journey through the initiation of death. Together.
~~~
Thank you for turning your precious attention to my words here today and for witnessing my grief and my hopes. In the simple act of reading, you have offered me a real healing. I feel it now, so clearly in my heart. Thank you, thank you.
On these, the final days of the Cycle,
as the Moon Wanes into darkness,
I raise my glass,
Look into your eyes,
and say, “To death!”
To Death, dear ones, To Death.
YOUR TURN:
Is there any death, personal or transpersonal, you are sitting with at this time? What tools do you use or actions do you take to process grief, loss & endings? Please share in the comments below – let’s learn from one another.
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Tears run out of my eyes for the loss of your cats, and for all our losses both big and small. Yet, it is in broken-hearted community that we grieve together and heal together and carry on our work in the world. Thank you for cracking open the conversation about death. What is buried within and without needs to be honored. You’ve shared a lovely invitation to do that, and my heart has responded. Grateful.
Dear Nan,
Thank you so much for your words of support- they mean so much. I’m so glad your heart has responded ❤️
XoChris
Well the death I am still struggling with, is the good guy Nicky Hayden last May. Motor racing fans will know who I mean. An all round hero everyone loved, suddenly died while out cycling one day. He wasn’t on his motorbike racing- that death would have been accepted because motor racing is extremely dangerous- but this hero died on a random road in a foreign country for no reason. He was the sort of man who should have died saving children or animals or other frail creatures. But it was random. He had been engaged for a year to Jackie, they were about to be married that summer as they’d been together for six years or so. But the destiny he and Jackie deserved- happy marriage, children, grandchildren, will never come to pass now. His lovely parents, brothers and sisters are broken, the motor sport community is broken. Nicky was the most humble, kind, thoughtful guy and has left a massive hole in the world.
I’m wondering why this death affected me so much. My dad died of leukaemia when I was 13, my world fell to pieces because I never imagined my big, strong father would sicken and die. No one cared or even bothered to ask how I felt about it, I didn’t get to even talk about it for 10+ years. Maybe I’ve got a problem with heroic men dying. I don’t know.
Dear Catherine,
Thank you for writing into your feelings about the death of Nicky. And also, sharing about your father’s death. Your insight in the last 2 lines you’ve written here feels especially poignant ❤️
Thanks for sharing of your heart, Catherine.
XoChris
Thanks for your caring reply, Chris. I’m not sure people know who Nicky Hayden was, but I suppose they could look him up. Or maybe just take my word for it because its a terribly sad story.
I hope a Wild Woman Circle opens near me soon, I don’t have many women friends tbh.
Dear Catherine,
Your share has touched my heart <3 Thank you for being so open and vulnerable.
Where are you located? Have you considered joining a Tele-circle?
So much light and love to you!
Hello Brooke, thank you for your kind reply.
Luckily the motorsport community rallied around each other, the Hayden family and friends. I had messages from random fans asking if I was alright and I sent some too.
What’s a tele circle? Is it on this site? I’m in Southern England and there aren’t any real life circles there.
xxx <3 <3 <3
This soul-bearing story of Chris’ loss and yearning reinforces how love is love is love…whether it be between humans or humans and their animal loved ones. When I was in my early 30’s I caught a mysterious virus, was in a coma for several months, died (I remember it) and by Divine will came back to life–a vegetable. I spent two gruelling years learning how to walk, talk, navigate through Life again. I got a puppy. Her name was Orsa (“Bear”)We loved each other with a depth I’d never experienced before. She was an Old Soul. And my Greatest Teacher. When she died, I was bereft for years. One night in a stream-of-consciousness that I don’t remember. I wrote the below. Maybe it will help you excavate grief “too tender to touch”. Love Rita.
October 2, 2011
Time: 5:40pm
I got you for someone else, but I didn’t know that you’d come for me.
I thought I was saving someone’s soul, but the one who neeed saving was me.
I thought you needed caring for, but you had power way beyond my dreams.
If God didn’t exist then, God exists now.
In you I had love I’d die for.
In you I had love I cry every day for.
Our love was a miracle.
Sure as I’m standing here, our love was a miracle.
Time: 5:46
Can you imagine what it’s like to have a love that is your sun?
And when the sun goes down, the moon that steps out from the darkness is the same love, too?
You were my sun and my moon.
That means you were my universe.
I breathed you in as you breathed out.
When I breathed out, you breathed me in.
I was there for your very last breath.
Our souls were seamless til you went away.
Our souls visit in the world of dreams when feeling, tasting you and touching you is like you’re here with me again.
Time: 5:55
I would trade any riches to feel the warmth of your face once more against mine.
If I had to trade anything I’d even give my life because that’s what feeling it again would mean to me.
I used to make my face melt into yours.
I’d press until I could feel the bones underneath and let my cheek go limp, pretend that it would liquify and reconstititute as just more of your flesh
and while I was there, I would close my eyes and feel your breath.
Time: 6:01
The missing you makes me wail like a baby.
It’s been almost five years and you’ve only come to me three times now in the dream world
and the sharpness of how you felt in my arms
and the sharpness of the feelings of love
It’ll always be an always love with you and me.
Every day I want you in my dreams.
Time: 6:06
I used to love to trace your toes and in between your toes firmly but gently.
I would do everything for you because I loved to.
I loved to smooth your eyebrows and the corner of your eyes, bury my face in your neck and get heady as I breathed in deeply as I could.
Time: 6:11
There was never a lonely day when I had you in my soul.
You were there when I woke, there when Morpheus kissed my eyes at night.
For every of the thousands of miles that unfolded behind me, you were by my side.
Is it any wonder that I want to quick go to sleep every night in case you meet me there in the world of dreams?
Is it any wonder that in the Waking World my heart resounds with emptiness for the heavenly love that was ours?
Perfect every day.
Perfect in a way that wasn’t possible.
I thought I was your Mother Bear, willing to spill every drop of blood for you.
It wasn’t until you left that I realized you were the Mother of me.
Time: 6:22
I know we’ve loved each other before, a long time ago.
I mistake you for a baby and you let me baby you
But you were really the Wisest of Wise Old Souls.
I had the wrong purpose for you. For years I had the wrong purpose for you.
Your purpose was me.
What I thought that was going on was banal was really blindingly
Divine.
time: 7:11
I’ve never liked being here while you’re there.
It doesn’t suit me feeling like less than half of one hundred and fifty percent.
If you’d come to me I’d walk out with you.
I’d never even think of looking back.
Day after day I wonder if it could happen and I know if it did, I’d walk out with you. I’d never think of looking back.
Because we want to believe in miracles.
I keep the faith strong just in case, and I know that if you came to me out of the blue, I’d walk away with you.
I wouldn’t even have to think about it.
I’d walk away with you.
Time: 7:18
runs through my veins
burns through my veins
these recaptured feelings
make me not know when you ended and I began
You were my One Love
You were my Moon and Sun Love
All love was pale as a melon skin before
and just about as deep.
Your unassuming presence was as huge as a universe could be.
Dear Rita,
Thank you so much for sharing so openly about your experiences with death. Wow.
Your writing to Orsa really touched me. And what a great example of healing and grieving through creative expression ❤️
Thank you, Rita.
XoChris
Wow, Chris. This is so powerful. It has been a present topic for me for the last year or so, as I have really excavated a lot of hurt and grief that I never allowed myself to process over the loss of my grandmother when I was a child. There are key points that I can remember the death of a loved one, a creature, or a relationship, and each of them come with a seemingly unbearable amount of pain. How powerful to consider feeling into that pain and allowing for it instead of repressing and trying to ignore it. I believe that repressed grief has the power to capture us in fear (of loss, of death, of mistrust) because we never fully allow it to complete its job, which is ultimately to heal us.
My heart really feels for your loss of your precious Ramona and Otis. I know the absolute desolation of losing a beloved creature, and I know that the longing for their presence doesn’t just go away. In my being, I sense that I am approaching that pain again as my family’s dogs are entering that precious last phase of life. How beautiful that you have shared these words, and that I can hold to them through the time I have left with them. Maybe I can even learn to embrace the process of letting them go when it’s time.
Thank you <3
Dear Holly,
Thank you so much for sharing about your experience with your Grandmother’s death.
Your insight rang so true: “I believe that repressed grief has the power to capture us in fear (of loss, of death, of mistrust) because we never fully allow it to complete its job, which is ultimately to heal us.”
Thanks for your words of support & hands at you back in the last leg of your family dog’s life ❤️ With you.
XoChris
Thank you for sharing this, Chris – it brought tears to my eyes. Several close friends of mine have lost their 4-legged family members in the past year, and it’s been so hard for them, and tough for me to know what to say as a witness to their grief. I’m also only beginning to appreciate the grief that comes with non-death endings. This past year I had to put my 57-year-old mother in a nursing home because she hasn’t taken care of herself for years, and it’s become too much for my father and I to deal with. I’ve definitely felt a lot of emotion around this, and am realizing now that emotion, too, is grief, although her body is still here on this earth. And it’s also grief for the mother-daughter relationship I thought we had, because I’ve uncovered things I never realized or accepted before while going through therapy. But, all endings have beginnings, and while I process my grief, I am simultaneously opening new space to develop a new and different relationship with my mother, and with myself.
Dear Sally,
Thank you so much writing ❤️ And for sharing about your grief in relationship to your mother- and the changing of phases there.
“But, all endings have beginnings, and while I process my grief, I am simultaneously opening new space to develop a new and different relationship with my mother, and with myself.”
I feel you 💓
Much love,
Chris
At the age of 76, the title “Our Days Are Numbered” is a little too real even though the words that followed were beautifully written. At this
point in my life, I have become very much aware of my own mortality. The question becomes how do I spend the aforementioned numbered days. My family has always been the center of my life. During these years, they have become even more important to me, if possible. I feel so blessed to have been able to share my life with the boy I fell in love with at age 15. That has been my foundation and will continue to be. I love my life and my family and will continue to give myself to both for as long as I am allowed. I cannot ask for more. Thank you to one of my beautiful granddaughters for her sweet and thoughtful words of the loss of her dear pets and how those losses brought her so much closer to the many aspects of death. 💜
I just want to add one more thought. I believe my perspective on death is the opposite of Chris’s. I am thinking of those who I will leave behind instead of being the one who has to live without that special person. Both perspectives touch my heart. 💜
Dear Grambo ❤️
Thank you for sharing your perspective from a different phase in life – it is so valuable. I love that in considering this, you bring forth clarity about how you want to spend your days. That really resonates – as I’ve been contemplating all manner of death, I am totally awakened to the preciousness of life & the blessing of living and loving.
I feel so blessed to be part of your family ❤️ Thanks for writing.
XoChris
Hope , despair, light dark, inhale, exhale, community , isolation, life, death…. these are a few of the existential opposites that humanity has grappled with since time began. We simply cannot untangle love from pain. The Universe would fly out of balance if only protons existed without electrons…. I guess we are part of that larger physics at play . As a hospital / hospice chaplain and spiritual care provider , I’ve had the honor and privilege to be witness to over 400 deaths, some of them, my own loved ones. It is a beautiful mystery to behold as the last exhale fully manifests our ultimate “ letting go.” Whether it’s a beloved pet, family member, or friend, we are left with a physical void in our hearts. But, it is only physical. I believe spirit/ consciousness continues on, very much alive and well in another dimension, not limited to time and space. Fear not! Your kitty’s are playing, and remembering you! Your energy has intersected with theirs. I suspect when you cross into the next realm( these earth suits get tired…), you will reunite in joy with all the beings of your energetic love!
Dear Mary,
What a blessing to to hear your perspective of death as a hospital / hospice chaplain and spiritual care provider! Thank you so much for sharing your rich perspective & thank you for the beautiful and important work you do ❤️
XoChris
These words have touched a tender part of my heart, bubbling up both connection and resonance as well as accountability and honesty. I am running from grief in a very big way. I make excuses for not feeling grief. “I’ve dusted myself off and held my head high, that makes me strong and brave right?” “I’m not wallowing in this pain, no one cares if I failed and it hurts”. The grief I am feeling is from the death of a business, which was a dream I dedicated my life towards for many many years. It was my biggest accomplishment and my biggest failure. A beautiful birth and a sudden death. The one year anniversary of this death was just a couple weeks ago, and I am just now realizing how fast I’ve been running. I feel so tired.
I thought all this time I was facing failure. I kept telling myself I need to let go, move on, pick myself up, remember why you created the business in the first place. While a lot of this may be true, it’s the grief I am not allowing myself to feel. The death of a dream.
I want to thank you Chris and every other woman who has created this space and held it with honesty and love. I am seeing you all, hand in hand, as a wall that has stopped me from running. A wall that will hug and support me and let me cry the tears I need to cry. Thank you.
My glass is in the air… to death!
Dear Ashley,
Big heart taps.
Thank you for allowing us in and revealing your grief. I am so moved. And very much with you as you cry the tears you need to cry.
I celebrate the life of your business and honor the death too.
Hands at you back always and always.
Love,
Chris
Over the past 6 years, I’ve done a lot of grief release work for different losses (an actual human death, relationship deaths, and deaths for things I needed but didn’t receive growing up). Today, I’m not grieving but am celebrating new beginnings.
I experienced something amazing a few months ago at a sweat lodge I attended, led by two women. There was a round where we (everyone in the lodge) was in prayer (the hot stones were in, the door was closed, we were in darkness) where the water pourer/leader invited us to scream out, cry out, sigh out any and all grief we were carrying. It felt like we all were doing that for over an hour. It very well might have been. I was amazed at how much raw grief I was still carrying, deep and low in my gut. I wailed and yelled and moaned from my very essence. After that round died down, we were given the opportunity to express our experience with that grief release, but not to do it verbally – rather to do it in song. I was the first in circle to begin. I took a deep breath in and out of my mouth came a high-pitched, sweet, dry, rhythmic, non-verbal song that sounded so vulnerable, it was like hearing the 29-year old me and the 5-year old me, and the 2-year old me, and the infant me all at one time, all having the chance to grieve together. After it was all over, I felt so spent and so relaxed. I had let the grief pass through me and it opened up a lot more space for me to be able to receive some incredible opportunities and new relationships. Today, I am so grateful for my grief.
Dear Emily,
Thank you so much for sharing about the amazing tool/experiences of the sweat lodge. How valuable to have had that space to release in such a big way. These are the kind of spaces we need more and more of. Cheers to the new space you have created inside & cheers to your gratitude of grief ❤️
Love,
Chris
I have also had this same pressing awareness of death in the past moon cycle, which made this refreshing to read, remembering we are not alone in our feelings and thoughts. I also mourn the loss of your beloved cats, and know that it can be such a great grief to bear, but know you are not alone. <3
Dear Ashley,
Thank you for your kind words ❤️
So comforted to know we are in this together. Sending you lots of love.
XoChris
I’ve seen death driven grief more than a few times in my life. My life and experience has lead me to believe the time spent here is for learning and that my spirit and the spirits of those I love are eternal. When those I know and love have gone on to what is next the love and happiness experienced in their presence glows like the embers of a roaring fire in my heart and memory. I wonder what they are doing and if they ever check in on my progress. I look forward to being in their presence when I know what is next. I miss them, but I always know they are with me and I with them. I’ve have found grief to short lived in my life and the glow of love remais in it’s place healing my heart.
Beautiful words from a wonderful son. 💜
Hi Dad,
Thanks for sharing about your perspectives and process around death & the everafter ❤️
Love,
C
Oh Chris, …it’s bittersweet-this thing called life. So touching to read and share this powerful emotion of loss. Still missing my father. Nearly 3 years and it often still feels so new …he said “don’t cry for me, ..go live your best life” and that is what carries me through and back to love. He lives inside me and that can never die. Finding clever little ways to play with love has been an art. To death, ..and to life! It’s a measured moment to be enjoyed and shaped into all we can dream. <3. Thanks to all who share it along the way …
Dear Demi,
I love your reflections on the death and love of your father. So beautiful.
It’s amazing how death and life are intertwined – one does not exist without the other ❤️ So, yes- to death and to life, indeed!
Sending you lots of love,
C
Dear Chris,
Thank you for your wisdom, for your words, and for your openness to vulnerability. I want to share the various deaths I have recently been acknowledging and grieving.
In 2005 I had an abortion. I did not acknowledge it as a loss nor did I give space for grieving it until last year at Wild Woman Fest. 12 years later. I am immensely grateful for how wide my experiences at Fest cracked me open. And while it may take another 12 years to fully sort out my beliefs around my decision and to acknowledge and fully grieve the death of my first fertilized egg, I celebrate finally being on that loving, beautifully messy path.
My grandmother has been diagnosed with dementia. I was able to spend a few days with her last year and it was difficult and beautiful and strange. I am now in the experience of grieving the death of many parts of her memory. I contemplate what is happening within her and what is happening to her consciousness as I continue to grow and re-awaken my own. It has shaken me to my core.
As I continue on this newfound path of conscious choice and awareness I have experienced much of what feels like the death of old ways of being. The death of old beliefs and misbeliefs. The death of judgments. I have absolutely mourned over these deaths. Metamorphosis is painful even when consciously chosen!
I am so grateful for you, Chris, in opening this dialogue. Through it I have identified and recognized various forms of death in my life that deserve my loving, my grieving, and my celebrating. For if I were to hold a funeral to honor these deaths (and the countless others I will experience) the ritual I would create for each would involve deep deep levels of love, grief, and celebration.
p.s. I cannot stop thinking of the film Coco. SUCH a beautiful perspective of honoring death, especially for those, like me, who have no cultural tradition of it.
Dear Brooke,
Thank you so much for sharing so openly about the deaths you are holding space for now. Your clarity & consciousness is inspiring.
I’m so glad you see the “deep deep levels of love, grief, and celebration” that rituals of honoring can hold.
Also, I saw Coco too & loved it.
Much love to you, Brooke.
Love,
C
Thank you Chris and dear, dear Wild Women Sisters for your inspiration, courage and willingness to dance with the death of your bodies, your relationships, and your dreams.
Meditating on your words and looking over my life, I can see that death has been my greatest teacher and the agent of my transformations. The early death of my childhood taught me survival, independence, and leadership. Death of the false selves I created to survive, protected me until I was ready to let them dissolve and rebirth myself. Death of my wounded selves showed me how I denied my own dreams in order to protect them and keep them safe within. I learned it was up to me to birth my dreams. The biggest teacher of all was the death of first born baby boy, my beloved son, Bill. Even as I start to share my feelings with you so many years after his death, I feel resistance to allowing the expression of my primal wails of loss, love, gratitude that have lived within me since the day he died. Yet, I would like to share a memory with you.
The summer after Bill died, I was in my living room on a warm, sunny day. The windows were open. The sound of a basket ball bouncing and being thrown against a backboard pierced my numbed consciousness. Memories of Bill playing basketball in our backyard flooded thru me. I saw his strong, beautiful, athletic body, his competitive spirit, his eyes that sparkled like the sun at noon on the ocean. I was overcome with love and loss. I heard crying and screaming, then I realized the cries I was hearing were my own. Shaking my fists with anger at the sky, at God, I cried out, “Don’t you know how much I loved that boy?”
Then I was rocked or knocked onto the couch as I heard the words, “Child, child, don’t you know, you are loved this much and more?” I was stunned. It had never occurred to me that I could be loved as much as and even more than I loved my son. Bill’s life and death have taught me things I could not have learned any other way in one lifetime. Now I am comforted by knowing that Bill came as a gift into life on this plane, did his job and then he left. My desire is to honor him, his spirit and do the job I agreed to do when I came into manifestation, return my body to Mother Earth and then moving on to the next adventure. May you know you are loved beyond all understanding. Carol
Dear Carol,
Tears as I read your reflections and memories here.
Thank you so much for sharing with all of us. I will carry your message in my heart.
Much love to you, dear Sister.
Love,
Chris