True friendship is a Soul-treasure of the highest order.
Sometimes, in the busyness of the day to day life, especially as we age, we can forget this. Yet each time one is in the presence of a true friend, time itself seems to fade away. The ticking clock & the to-do list are replaced by that special feeling: We are home again.
There is a particular flavor to the friendships between women that borders on mystical, offering buckets and buckets of meaning and value and unbridled joy. Maybe it’s our shared experiences of being girls and women that lays the foundation for that closeness. Maybe it’s in the subtle remembrance of some ancient memory from our hunter-gatherer ancestors of being close with one another as we foraged food, cooked together, raised children, shared stories, both giving and receiving wisdom. Perhaps imbedded into us is some deep knowing that we are not built to walk alone, but in fact, wired for and called to create and tend the bonds we share with one another.
In honor of Galentine’s day, a now-mythic holiday celebrating lady-friends, I offer up a list 7 things I’ve learned about making and tending my sister-friendships.
1
A little self-awareness goes a long way in co-creating & tending friendships.
I’m one of those who have been blessed with many many sister-friends for my whole life. As a military brat, I learned early on how to spark up friendships as I moved from place to place. At this point in my life, my most major concern in friendship is carving enough time to tend them well. A skill I am always trying to hone just a little bit more.
Sitting in Circle has taught me that we all have different challenges and gifts when it comes to friendship. Some have trouble making new friends, for others it is hard to build trust. For some it is difficult to cultivate depth in friendships, for others it is more playfulness that is needed. Some Women are the best at remembering birthdays and finding the perfect gift, others are the best adventure-planners and quality time conjurers, others are great at dispensing advice and holding space. And on and on. If we can manage that tricky thing of not judging ourselves, we make room to accept who we are and how we do friendship.
Simple self-awareness & self-acceptance can help us to navigate friendship more skillfully and authentically.
2
Stay actively involved in activities you love.
Looking back on my life, I see that my most enduring friendships started while I was doing something I love. I met one of my best friends at Full Moon Women’s Chanting Circle where, if you can believe it, we were assigned to bless each other (!). Another I met through live music ~ she was the one in the most outrageous sequence get ups, with the best dance moves & the biggest heart. Another I met when she attended my yoga class & struck up a great conversation after. Another I met when we were young theatre nerds together. One of the reasons these friendships have stood the test of time is because right off the bat, we shared a love of something – Women’s Circles or live music or spirituality or art.
The more we do what we love to do, the most we will meet like-hearted & like-minded friends.
3
Be curious.
I have met many women who want to have more friends or quality friendships, but struggle to do so. I will notice in conversation with those same women, there is more talking than listening, more sharing than asking. When we are genuinely curious about others and draw people out with our questions and listening, well… it creates the pathways for connection.
Genuine curiosity and a willingness to ask about others lives & perspectives, is one surefire way to create the conditions for meaningful friendship.
4
Know that friendships, like all relationships, change.
Because we are always growing, and our lives are constantly changing in ways big and small, it is natural that so too would our friendships. Maybe you used to live in the same city, maybe you now have a kid or a new profession. Maybe you are married now or maybe you are traveling more than you used to. I know many women who lament the change in a friendship and think something is wrong. It’s so important to not be too hard on yourself or your friend when things naturally change between you, as you both change.
A shift from expecting the same exact friendship you had 10, 20, 30 years ago to allowing, and even celebrating, the evolution of the relationship is much easier on the heart.
5
Find your rhythm for tending your friendships.
I have friend a who is a working mother of 3 who has many friends – spread out all over the world. Every single Sunday she calls a friend she hasn’t spoken to in a while. Those Sunday conversations have been breathing life into her friendships for decades and will continue to as long as she keeps picking up the phone.
How do you tend your friendships right now? What is your rhythm?
6
Think of your friendships as a garden.
Every once in a while, I make a list in my journal of all my friends. By doing so, I consciously identify all these beautiful souls & it becomes clear which friendships are flourishing and which friendships needs some tending in the form of quality time – either in person or on the phone, or a gift or a kind word or an important conversation, etc. Sometimes, through this practice, it becomes clear when certain friendships have ended.
Keep planting & tending & pruning as you are guided.
7
See each friendship for its unique offering.
Not all friendships are created equal and that is okay. Having a blanket expectation of what a friend is…limiting. Each friendship we are blessed to have is its own being, with its own quirks and expression. I have friends that make me laugh so hard I cry and others that teach me new things each time we are together. Some of my dearests talk my ear off, while others, I have to patiently draw out.
Friendships are as different as we are. Being grateful for the particular gifts of each friendships allows each to flourish.
YOUR TURN
In the comments below and/or in the privacy of your own heart, please answer:
In all your years of girlhood and womanhood, what is one lesson you’ve learned about creating or tending Soul-friendships?
Can’t wait to ream ‘em. ♥️
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On tending lifelong friendships – Protect their vulnerability and be willing to share yours.
Love that, Linda ♥️
Thank you for this lovely writing.. I am so fortunate to have maintained long friendships built on trust, support and love. I have a friend I have known for 55 years since HS! We still can make each other laugh through the good and the bad, A “short call” is usually an hour or more. An old saying is that through the years you can count your true friends on one hand. That is a reality as time goes on. ❤️
Thank you so much for this, Nancy! ♥️👏🏽